Robot Stand-In fantasysharks.com Aug 06 '78
Initially built by NASA to set lines for the Las Vegas casinos in the late 1950s (who do you think funded the Apollo missions? The government? It was the mob ...), The Sin City Betbot 6000 calculated lines for more than 30 years. The Betbot was given various upgrades through the years, not always with the best equipment, but he was very good at setting lines and living the good life.
The Betbot was de-commissioned in 1990 after San Francisco destroyed Denver in the Super Bowl. The 45-point spread simply fried a number of the Betbot's wires and he retired. The Betbot was discovered by fantasysharks.com and retooled to give fantasy advice. He lives now to give his own unique, well cultured take on the NFL. The Sin City Betbot 6000 Presents is transcribed by Joe Petrizzi and Tom Walls because "typing ... BZZT ... is a dame's job."
Steven Spielberg is basically a good egg. I first met him while he was storyboarding the smash motion picture, Jaws . Spielberg had grand plans for that flick. A fully articulated mechanical shark which would be the star of the whole movie.
Things didn't go Spielberg's way, however. The shark they initially tried was a bust. It plain old didn't work. Spielberg called me to stand-in for the shark. They welded a fin to my skin, and shot me with very quick cuts. My screen time as the shark was greatly reduced. This was my idea. I said to Spielberg, "The mind, Stevie, the mind is the true theater of suspense!" Now ... BZZT ... I was incredibly drunk when I said that. I'm not 100 percent sure what I was talking about, but Spielberg took that to mean that the shark should hardly be shown, and that suspense is best built by caught breaths, good actors and a strong John Williams score.
Needless to say, the kid as right.
The Blu-Ray version of the film goes into the technical struggles Jaws had. I've asked that my part in the film not be mentioned, to keep the focus on Spielberg. But I feel damn good about my role in that film. Damn good, indeed.
NFC NOTES -- I've blasted both Mike Shanahan and Kyle Shanahan before. Deservedly so. But I got to say, I like what Kyle is doing to fit the Washington offense to Robert Griffin III's skill set. This is what all coaches should be doing. Instead, we find most coaches trying to jam round pegs into square holes by forcing their philosophies on personnel ill-suited to them. That said, the way Griffin III is playing makes me think that just about any offensive philosophy would suit his game.
Atlanta goes into Philadelphia off both teams' bye weeks. This should be a shootout, assuming the weather isn't cataclysmic Sunday.
The blood-letting has begun in Carolina. Quarterbacks need to be able to handle adversity. So far, Cam Newton has failed that test on and off the field. If Newton can't get out of his own head, he could be one of the historic let-downs of all time in the NFL. Ron Rivera, see my note above about Kyle Shanahan - you have three good running backs. Time to start using them, genius.
The Arizona Cardinals put in a call to Vince Young. The Cardinals already play a pee-wee league offense, and another hit to John Skelton and fantasy owners of Larry Fitzgerald can start jumping off of bridges. Pssst ... Fitzgerald owners ... you're not starting him anymore, right? I mean, you have given up all hope on him, correct? The only good game Fitzgerald had all year was against the Juan Castillo coached Philadelphia Eagles defense. Abandon all hope Fitzgerald owners.
Matthew Stafford looks like absolute crap this year. Hey, you get paid a ton of dough to be a professional quarterback, time to take the job seriously all year long. Capiche?
AFC NOTES - Earlier in the year I warned you about the preseason rhetoric concerning the Buffalo Bills defense. The scuttlebutt in the early stages of the year seemed to be that splashy free agent signings like Mario Williams would make Buffalo a formidable unit. I have long been pessimistic about Williams, and about the Bills coaching staff in general. They are arguably the worst defense in the league, giving up a staggering 30-plus points per game.
On the other hand, I was a big proponent of the Denver Broncos defense, who have much less in the way of flashy talent (perhaps Elvis Dumervil or Von Miller might be considered "stars"), but much more in the way of decent coaching. How many of your fantasy leagues saw Denver get drafted at all, let alone ahead of Buffalo?
Alas, fantasy seasons are not won by your defense (unless you have the Chicago Bears this year). So let's talk quarterbacks. A recent Sports Illustrated poll of NFL players showed that the Top 2 overrated players in the league are Tim Tebow and Mark Sanchez. Clearly, NFL players read this column. The New York Jets have the worst quarterback in their division, and it's not even close.
That doesn't mean Ryan Fitzpatrick is any good, by the way.
Before I leave this topic - can you believe there are still fanboys out there that think Tebow can be a starting running back or wide receiver in this league? Those people are bleeping stupid. For crying out loud, he's not Finny from A Separate Peace.
I kind of like Matt Hasselbeck as a spot starter against the right team (read: this week against Indianapolis). It's the middle of the season and you have bye week problems. You could do worse. He's got some decent receiving talent and a porous defense - that's a recipe for fantasy quarterback glory.
Trent Richardson is nicked up again. This time it's his ribs. It's only his first year, but you watch his violent running style and wonder if he's the type of back that can play at this level and stay healthy. That's something to watch over the course of this season if you are in a keeper league. I'd be interested to hear what you think of his long term value, so hit me up on twitter @betbot6k.
When I watch the Houston Texans and J.J. Watt makes a great play, I like to stand up and scream "WATT!" Then my lady friend comes in from the next room all panicky asking me what is my problem, to which I reply that she should hurry her fine self into the kitchen and shake me up a new martini. The thing that I like about Watt is he reminds me of other great men with initials, like T.J. Hooker, J.J. Walker, and Magnum P.I. The lesson here: there is power in abbreviation, kids.
So long for now, and remember, "Showgirls and gin my friends, showgirls and ... BZZT ... gin."